Ah finally some braun oser braun shade wideo

Zis modern day color shit does not suit me at all. I don't know vot zis jung man is tolking about, zis hip and ze hop, but sänks for bringik somesing i kan see. ze hip and ze hop sounds like somesink ze shildrens do to me. these little krittas...

You hear you little shits, ze next of you who tries to help me akross ze street so I don't get run owa by a horse, I'll breaks your fuckink neck!

Hint hint

I don't know how many of y'all remember USA Network's Up All Night, but it was a great show hosted by the oh-so-M.I.L.F.-y Rhonda Shear. Every Friday, she hosted a bunch of cheesy B-movies, which was where I first became aware of the cinematic classic, Chopper Chicks in Zombietown.

Personally, I'm a very big fan of the Keanu Reeves' filmography (Keanu and I share the same birthdate -- plus, I just think he's a raging badass). However, Chopper Chicks in Zombietown is a film that pretty much any man could enjoy. You've got a gang of hormonal, menstrual biker-chicks...there are some midget fights along the way...and the kicker?! They've got to protect a bus full of blind orphans from a town over-run by ZOMBIES!!!

If this had been the plot for Speed 2, I'd bet my left nut that that Keanu Reeves woud have reprised his role as Officer Jack Traven instead of passing. Fucking Hollywood. Always killing a brotha's dreams...

Anyway, Chopper Chicks in Zombietown is available on DVD...and my birthday is September 2nd.

Bushy bushy fishy squishy...

Drawn Together - La La Labia - MyVideo

No hard feelings

I'd have to say that probably the biggest downside of living in an evil lair on a semi-autonomous tropical island off the coast of Mozambique is the rather low ratio of females to males. I mean, that's not to say that I don't work with some attractive henchpeople (the more PC term), but we're pretty low on vaginas over here. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway since I'm not really down with the inter-henchpersonnel relationships anymore. No siree, learned my lesson there.

My last girlfriend was a co-worker and man was she evil! I know everyone says that about their significant other, but I'm talking like literally the embodiment of evil over here. Hot as fuck, though. I guess where the relationship really took a dive head-first into a pool of shit, was that I just couldn't stand her constant nagging. She was always like, "Why aren't you more ambitious? I bet there are at least 10 guys around here who'd be willing to help you get your own start up schemes off the ground. If you make a five-year-plan...I bet you could even manage to get your own compound somewhere out in Utah with a couple hundred henchmen of your own." Nag, nag, nag. I'd take it for as long as I could until finally I'd have to go, "Woman! Dammit! I'm not trying to do none of that. How many times do I have to tell you that my priority right now is saving up for a high definition plasma TV?! Goddamn it, why can't you get that through your thick skull?!"

Yeah, well, I guess she did eventually get it through her thick skull and one day she up and left the island with about 10 other guys. She's somewhere in Portland now running some kind of Anthrax Brownie operation with her new boyfriend (I googled her name last week). I hear it's going pretty good and they got about 50 employees. Anyway, that pretty much taught me not to dip my pen in the company ink. I've stuck to that rule ever since.

Fortunately, we're not too far off from the coast of the mainland. It's only about a 30 min ride with the hovercraft. So, on the weekends a bunch of us will get together and go clubbing and shit. It can be kind of a hassle, cause someone's always gotta be the designated hovercraft driver. It's a new policy ever since a group of croco-lobsters got loose, reproduced like crazy and now basically infest the waters between the island and the mainland. Someone's always gotta be sober so they can be on the lookout for 'em. It's a bitch and I don't really understand The Boss' need for half-crocodile/half-lobster creatures...but evil geniuses aren't always the sanest people on the planet.

The mainland girls are cool, I guess. They can be a little bit judgmental about my occupation, which is totally unfair, because I'm usually pretty cool about whatever it is they do. Besides, the millions of dollars in bribe money that The Boss pays the government to look the other way does go towards building up the country's infrastructure. Well, a little bit of it anyway.... a really little bit. Ok, the government built the Mall of Evil with the money, and that's pretty much it.

But I was talking to this chick at the Jamba Juice at the mall the other day. I thought we were hitting it off, but she completely flipped out when she heard about what I did for a living. She kept going on and on like (crazy chick falsetto voice) "Oh my! I can't believe you work for that man!"

And I go, "Hey, he's not so bad..."

And she's like, "Well, name one good thing that he's ever done."

That line left me pretty speechless, I must admit. I looked at her and responded, "Uh...hello? Are you retarded or something? His money built this mall. And this Jamba Juice... so basically, he's the reason you have a job."

Like a typical woman, she tried to get in one last jab: "I still don't understand how you can live with the loss of innocent human lives."

I looked Jamba Juice girl dead in her eyes and said, "Babe, you can't make an omelette without blowing up a few chicken coops."

"Um, that'll be $4.50 for your Strawberry Whirl smoothie."

I was just like, "Whatever, bitch." And threw down the money and left.

Zombie-osity

Highly underrated. Just listen to our Commander-in-Chief:



Someone has totally been doing their research.

A rough day at the office

A new shipment of killer sharks arrived at the lair yesterday. Guess who had to install the laser beam head gear? That's right, yours truly. Man, sometimes I really hate this job. I know I shouldn't think like that...but seriously, have you ever had to get in a tank full of 15 killer sharks and attach laser beams to their heads? Didn't think so.

First of all, their name says it all. These fuckers are killer fucking sharks. Not teddy bears. Ever rub a shark the wrong way? That shit hurts. And killer sharks don't care if you're technically on the "same side". Second, The Boss is a fucking tightwad. Instead of hooking us up with those phat Japanese laser joints, he buys the cheapos that are probably put together by 5-year-old sweatshop workers in Guatemala. Five-year-olds don't know shit about lasers, that's for sure. Plus, these pieces of junk tend to go off for no reason at all. That's how our first batch of sharks got ruined in the first place. They just lasered each other to death. It's unsafe, I tell you...someone could lose an eye. And I should, know...it's how I lost my eye. I mean, it turned out alright for me, because an eye patch gives me a little bit more "street cred", I think. However, it also leads to my third point, which is that my lack of depth perception makes the task all the more difficult and time consuming.

Luckily, Stumpy Jones was there giving me a hand. The work goes by a lot faster if you've got someone there to keep you company. He throws steaks into the opposite end of the pool to try to distract as many of the sharks away from me as possible. He kept ripping joke after joke and even took off his wooden leg and did some kinda crazy Darth Vader impression using his leg as a lightsaber. You should have seen him hopping around all over the place. I nearly peed myself.

After I got the last shark fitted up, I turned to Stumpy and go, "Hey, Stumpy, you know what I could really go for right about now?"

And he replied, "A couple of hookers and some blow?"

I smiled and said, "Man, it's like you can read my fucking mind! Except I'd add a nice juicy steak and a six-pack of Heineken to that order. C'mon buddy, let's go...the hookers are my treat!"

Then we high-fived each other.

I turned away and headed towards the sliding doors; but, right as I did, I heard a loud "Bzzzzzt!" and then a splat. When I turned back around, I saw Stumpy lying on the ground in a pool of blood. One of those motherfucking lasers obliterated his goddamned good leg!

Stumpy was taking it like a champ, though. He just grinned and said, "Dude, I think I might have to pass on those hookers tonight."

We both started laughing, then I picked him up and carried him to the infirmary. I heard The Boss is gonna spring for two brand new bionic legs for the fella. They're probably gonna be shitty Guatemalan bionic legs, but anything is better than that old wooden mop handle and duct tape set up that Stumpy had been using before. I'm probably also gonna have to start coming up with a new nickname for him.

Maybe when my annual evaluation time comes around this year, I'll ask The Boss for some kind of new bionic eye. Of course, I'll still keep wearing the eye patch. Bitches love the eye patch.

Europeans heighten threat levels

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz began in 1940 and tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the British issued "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability. It's not only the Englishand French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

S.L.H

German is the language of the Devil

I always knew it sounded evil, but evidently the word itself was derived from German.


The modern English word 'evil' (Old English Yfel) and its cognates such as the German 'Übel' are widely considered to come from a Proto-Germanic reconstructed form *Ubilaz, comparable to the Hittite huwapp- ultimately from the Proto-Indo-European form *wap- and suffixed zero-grade form *up-elo-. Other later Germanic forms include Middle English evel, ifel, ufel Old Frisian evel (adjective & noun), Old Saxon ubil, Old High German ubil, and Gothic ubils. The root meaning is of obscure origin though shown to be akin to modern English 'over' and modern German 'über' (OE ofer) and 'up' (OE up, upp) with the basic idea of "transgressing".

Look how many damn German words they have for evil or something like it! I gotta get there quick! I bet they let you kill babies too.

Just to set the tone here II

Ok, blogger is also pure evil. Showing error messages but actually posting the damn thing is not convenient.

And how the fuck does one delete a post ... guess that's up to our unholy master ...

S.L.H.

Just to set the tone here

Just for those of you who thought Satan's Little Helper would start a debate in the comments anything here, I just want you to know:


Also I wanted to try whether my login works ...

S.L.H