About a year ago, my buddy Chris decided to start participating in The Boss' "commuter program". It's for employees who don't want to or for some reason can't live on the island. Chris got hitched about a year ago and when he found out that his wife was pregnant, they decided that they should probably live somewhere a bit more kid-friendly than an island chock full of bad guys and scientific experiments that try to overthrow the laws of God and nature.
It was actually more Chris' idea than Sheila's. Before she went on maternity leave, she was the head of The Boss' super secret Ninja Assassin Squad. So, I think it kinda goes without saying that she's cool as fuck. I think Chris is just using this whole baby thing as an excuse to get off the island. He loves his job, but he has always hated living here.
So, the two of them signed up for the "commuter program" and now they've got a spread out in Las Vegas, go figure.
Employees who want to commute to work can do so from anywhere in the world. The Boss then sets them up with some kind of fancy molecular transporter beamer thingy (think Star Trek, people) and then they beam in for their shift and beam back at the end of the day.
It sounds pretty awesome in theory, but The Boss has never been able to fully work out the kinks in this technology. Whenever he fixes the problem that causes one side effect, another one pops up. First it was: transporting turns you inside out. Then, profuse bleeding from the eyes, ears and nose. Then, there was permanent blindness, the weird shrinking thing, mucus face...and on and on. Needless to say, most employees opted not to participate.
Finally, The Boss came up with a repair that made transporting actually pretty safe and had no life-threatening side effects. The only thing is that it removes all of your body hair. Not permanently, but if you're transporting every day, your hair kinda doesn't get a chance to grow back.
Chris doesn't seem to mind. In fact, it's kinda creepy how much he enjoys his hairless look. He says Sheila digs it. I asked him to not go into any further details about that.
Last night, Chris celebrated his birthday and invited about 20 of us to come over and party out in Vegas. It was all "his treat", but we all had to use the transporter to get out there. Now Chris and I go way back, so I thought that one night of complete hairlessness wouldn't kill me. I imagine it'd be pretty weird to see a group of 20 hairless guys cruising around. I mean not just bald, but like no eyebrows, facial hair, arm hair...
It was all worth it though, we went to this one club and they treated us like fucking kings! We didn't have to spend a dime and got free lap dances all night long. Of course, I tipped the dancers, I'm not a monster. But man, I got so wasted!
At some point, the party group kinda dispersed. I imagine most of them went off to snort cocaine off of strippers' asses, but what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Chris and I made our way back to his place. Along the way, I asked him how he managed to pay for all those strippers and the club and the booze.
He answered, "Dude...I didn't pay for shit."
And I said, "Did we all just unknowingly participate in a strip and dash?"
"No."
"Did you steal someone's credit card and start a tab without their knowledge?"
"Dude, no..."
"Then how did you make that all happen?"
"Simple. I told them that I was a member of the adult version of the Make-A-Wish Foundation and that it was my wish that me and my buddies from chemotherapy have one last night on the town. Actually that chemotherapy excuse works for lots of stuff. People can be very generous if they think you are terminally ill."
"So, you're saying it's like having all the perks of cancer, without the actual deadly disease."
"Bingo."
I just shook my head and grinned, "You're such an asshole."
He just replied, "I know...now, let's go home and fuck my wife."
