No hard feelings

I'd have to say that probably the biggest downside of living in an evil lair on a semi-autonomous tropical island off the coast of Mozambique is the rather low ratio of females to males. I mean, that's not to say that I don't work with some attractive henchpeople (the more PC term), but we're pretty low on vaginas over here. I guess it doesn't really matter anyway since I'm not really down with the inter-henchpersonnel relationships anymore. No siree, learned my lesson there.

My last girlfriend was a co-worker and man was she evil! I know everyone says that about their significant other, but I'm talking like literally the embodiment of evil over here. Hot as fuck, though. I guess where the relationship really took a dive head-first into a pool of shit, was that I just couldn't stand her constant nagging. She was always like, "Why aren't you more ambitious? I bet there are at least 10 guys around here who'd be willing to help you get your own start up schemes off the ground. If you make a five-year-plan...I bet you could even manage to get your own compound somewhere out in Utah with a couple hundred henchmen of your own." Nag, nag, nag. I'd take it for as long as I could until finally I'd have to go, "Woman! Dammit! I'm not trying to do none of that. How many times do I have to tell you that my priority right now is saving up for a high definition plasma TV?! Goddamn it, why can't you get that through your thick skull?!"

Yeah, well, I guess she did eventually get it through her thick skull and one day she up and left the island with about 10 other guys. She's somewhere in Portland now running some kind of Anthrax Brownie operation with her new boyfriend (I googled her name last week). I hear it's going pretty good and they got about 50 employees. Anyway, that pretty much taught me not to dip my pen in the company ink. I've stuck to that rule ever since.

Fortunately, we're not too far off from the coast of the mainland. It's only about a 30 min ride with the hovercraft. So, on the weekends a bunch of us will get together and go clubbing and shit. It can be kind of a hassle, cause someone's always gotta be the designated hovercraft driver. It's a new policy ever since a group of croco-lobsters got loose, reproduced like crazy and now basically infest the waters between the island and the mainland. Someone's always gotta be sober so they can be on the lookout for 'em. It's a bitch and I don't really understand The Boss' need for half-crocodile/half-lobster creatures...but evil geniuses aren't always the sanest people on the planet.

The mainland girls are cool, I guess. They can be a little bit judgmental about my occupation, which is totally unfair, because I'm usually pretty cool about whatever it is they do. Besides, the millions of dollars in bribe money that The Boss pays the government to look the other way does go towards building up the country's infrastructure. Well, a little bit of it anyway.... a really little bit. Ok, the government built the Mall of Evil with the money, and that's pretty much it.

But I was talking to this chick at the Jamba Juice at the mall the other day. I thought we were hitting it off, but she completely flipped out when she heard about what I did for a living. She kept going on and on like (crazy chick falsetto voice) "Oh my! I can't believe you work for that man!"

And I go, "Hey, he's not so bad..."

And she's like, "Well, name one good thing that he's ever done."

That line left me pretty speechless, I must admit. I looked at her and responded, "Uh...hello? Are you retarded or something? His money built this mall. And this Jamba Juice... so basically, he's the reason you have a job."

Like a typical woman, she tried to get in one last jab: "I still don't understand how you can live with the loss of innocent human lives."

I looked Jamba Juice girl dead in her eyes and said, "Babe, you can't make an omelette without blowing up a few chicken coops."

"Um, that'll be $4.50 for your Strawberry Whirl smoothie."

I was just like, "Whatever, bitch." And threw down the money and left.